THE PUB ON THE CORNER (R.I.P the Roebuck)
© Chris Broderick 2007
GOD BLESS THE WHORES OF ROCHESTER
THE TOPLESS TWINS OF ALLHALLOWS ON SEA
TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN GROWING OLDER
If we should fall from the bridge
With a cannonball in our coats
If we should topple overboard
With a chain around our throats
Forgive our
strange behaviour
Quiet, hidden saviour
If we should slip from the edge
While distracted in our thoughts
If we should stumble from the path
While feeling overwrought
Forgive us our
strange behaviour
Gentle, smiling saviour
And lift us from the muddy water
Lift us from the muddy water
Wrap your wings around us
Wrap your wings around us
But I know where you sleep
You are forever benign and watching
In the shadow of the keep
And I have seen dolphins and whales
and flamingos
As far as Chatham Reach
And I have seen mermaids and mermen on
horses
And I have heard them speak
So, lift us from the muddy water
Lift us from the muddy water
Wrap your wings around us
Wrap your wings around us
(INSTRUMENTAL)
Lift us from the muddy water
Lift us from the muddy water
Wrap your wings around us
Wrap your wings around us
…Around us.
She’ll have a babycham,
cherry on a stick
I’ll have a bitter, make it quick !
Said lucky Tom in the bar of the Baker's
Arms
On a hot August night in
’58.
Get it down you and come outside
Don’t you believe ‘em,
girl, they all lied -
Said the big married man to the tiny little
blond
On a hot August night in ‘58
Across the street in the trolley bus depot
The drivers were brewing their tea
And the Plaza was showing “East of Eden”
again
And the Sally Army man thought it smelled
like rain
And the jukebox was playing “That’ll be the
Day”
“That’ll be the Day”
Come to the fun fair tomorrow night
I work the waltzers;
you’ll be all right –
As he pushed her up the alley by the Bakers
Arms
On a hot August night in ‘58
Then from his pocket he took a knife
And in a second he changed her life
As the brick dust stuck to her ruined
mohair coat
On a hot August night in ‘58
Across the street in the trolley bus depot
The drivers were brewing their tea
And the Plaza was showing “East of Eden”
again
And the Sally Army man thought it smelled
like rain
And the jukebox was playing “That’ll be the
Day”
“That’ll be the Day”
The gang ran out and saved her skin
They saw him off and helped her in
But the seed in her belly was swelling
already
On a hot August night in ‘58
That lucky Tom was well away
She dried her eyes for school next day
And turned her back on the noise from the
Bakers Arms
On a hot August night in ‘58
Across the street in the trolley bus depot
The drivers were brewing their tea
And the Plaza was showing “East of Eden”
again
And the Sally Army man thought it smelled
like rain
And the jukebox was playing “That’ll be the
Day”
“That’ll be the Day”
On a hot August night in
1958.
Way beneath the working class
Way below the unemployed
Take a look and you will see
Millions working for the agency
You might call us a brand new class
You might think we’re proud of nothing
Trained to jump at ringing bells
Who are we? We’re the ne’er do wells
We’re the underclass
We're the underclass
In
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats.
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats!
Way beneath the working class
Way below the unemployed
Take a look and you will see
Millions working for the agency
Packing up boxes for a fiver an hour
While the supervisor watches from the
searchlight tower
You give ‘em of
your best and take a load of abuse
And they can sack you in a minute with no
excuse
We’re the underclass
We’re the underclass
In
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats.
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats!
Reinforcement.
Small reward.
Conditioning.
Anxiety.
We’re the underclass
We’re the underclass
In
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats
Like Skinner’s rats
Useless brats!
The Chief Constable’s missus
Flat out on the
floor
With her legs in
the air
And her head out
the door.
But I’d best not
tell you
What she said,
what I saw
But it sure beats
the telly
And it’s better than
war.
“Ye Old Lost & Found”
So let your feet wander
And follow me round.
The pumps are full of magic
The barmaid’s real hot
You can find what you’re longing for
Lose what you’re not.
There’s a pub on the corner
“Ye Old Lost & Found”
And tonight, tonight
You can fly and not drown.
I’ve planned a revolution
I’ve nearly gone
mad
I’ve sold all
that’s dear
But the beer’s
never bad.
I’ve took off me
clothes
And I’ve broken
me nose,
I’ve sung till
they’ve booted me
Back to the “Rose”
CHORUS
I’ve had sex in
the car park
Tears in the bogs
And the other way
round
Coming
back from the dogs.
I’ve kissed a
hundred ugly barmaids
Lost two hundred
fights
But I regret
nothing
…Until it is light.
Take my hand
Hold
me up
Push me home
Find my key.
I don’t know you
But I love you
Come all live with me…
There’s a pub on the corner
“Ye Old Lost & Found”
So let your feet wander
And follow me round.
The pumps are full of magic
The barmaid’s real hot
You can find what you’re longing for
Lose what you’re not.
There’s a pub on the corner
“Ye Old Lost & Found”
And tonight, tonight
You can fly and not drown.
You called me Old China
You played darts with nails
Had a trial for Millwall
After 14 brown ales
Drove a forty foot lorry
Proper sheeted and roped
Had me for a son
Is that what you hoped?
Your
jacket don’t fit me
So, give us a rest,
mate
I can’t follow
your footsteps
They’re too big,
they’re too straight
“Keep your eye on the ball, son”
“Don’t snatch at the trigger”
A few words of wisdom
Like John Wayne, but bigger
You grew up at El Alemein
Not long out of school
You only cried once
You big, bloody fool
Your
jacket don’t fit me
So, give us a
rest, mate
I can’t follow
your footsteps
They’re too big,
they’re too straight
Then as you lay dying
Your face went to stone
You said "Jesus won’t help you
We’re all on our own."
You visit my dreams every night
And I wake up weeping
Chewing the fat until light
When I should be sleeping
I’m too
small for your jacket
So, give us a
rest, mate
I can’t follow
your footsteps
They’re too big,
they’re too straight
So,
So long
So long
So long, my old china
So long
So long
So long, my old mate.
I want to build me a simple house
in the woods
I want to build me a simple house
in the woods
I want to make my plates & pots &
pans
Time for sitting
Time for loving
Time a-plenty for doing nothing
One pair of boots
For work &
walking
Dust ‘em off when
I go a-courting
I want to build me a simple
house in the woods
I want to build me a simple house
in the woods
I want to eat what I grow,
or what I catch
I want to eat what I grow, or what
I catch
Time for sitting
Time for loving
Time a-plenty for doing nothing
One pair of boots
For work &
walking
Dust ‘em off when
I go a-courting
I want to build me a simple
house in the woods
I want to build me a simple house
in the woods
I want to work right next to
the place I live
I want to work right next to the
place I live
Time for sitting
Time for loving
Time a-plenty for doing nothing
One pair of boots
For work &
walking
Dust ‘em off when
I go a-courting
I want to build me a simple
house in the woods
I want to build me a simple house
in the woods
I want the time for playing like a little
kid
Time for sitting
Time for loving
Time a-plenty for doing nothing
One pair of boots
For work &
walking
Dust ‘em off when
I go a-courting
Lost in
the car park, lost in Tescos
Can’t work the
radio, call u.n.e.s.c.o
Smash
my mobile, burn my TV
Call
me a hypocrite? A little bit, maybe
All we need is a simple
house in the woods
All we need is a
simple house in the woods
All we need is a simple house in the woods.
THE DROWNED MAN RESUSCITATOR
© 2007 Chris Broderick
GOD BLESS THE WHORES OF ROCHESTER
Up behind the railings
On the dirty side of town
Where the river used to flood,
See 'em strolling up and down.
Underneath the railway bridge
They're jumping in the cold,
Slip sliding in the pigeon shit,
Laughing, flashing gold.
You really make my night,
You colour in the dark and grey.
Keep yourselves safe, my loves
And never, never go away.
Been here now a thousand years,
Though, the boats have long gone.
When every house was a whore house
And every shop was a flop
Now the council tell the cops
Turn this wicked town around
Things
around here ain't decent anymore
Move 'em on, get 'em out!
You really make my night,
You colour in the dark and grey.
Keep yourselves safe, my loves
And never, never, never go away.
If you are not dead yet
Let me see thee pirouette
Now piss your pants and pick your nose
And pull on clownish hose.
Come join the circle, holding hands
A naked, witty, jolly band
A pride of innocent buffoons
Wanking at the moon
Hullabaloo
Playing the fool
What's it to you?
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Oi!
If you are not dead yet
Let me see thee pirouette
Now bash your head and squeeze your balls,
Delight in prattish falls
Now come and jest with us, Sir
And prove you are a knave, Sir!
When tragedy, the rotten runt
Kicks you up the… Oi!
Hullabaloo
Playing the fool
What's it to you?
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Oi!
I have here an
invention made
Come, gather round, be not afraid
Behold every man at death's creaking door
The drownéd man resuscitator.
Ai - Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - ee - Ai
Ai - Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - ee - O
Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - Ai - Ai - ee Ai - ee - Or
The drownéd man resuscitator.
Of leather, brass, new fangled clocks
From a velvet linéd wooden box
My pipes and my bellows with the power to restore
The drownéd man resuscitator.
Bring me a corpse found tickled to death
Whom life has left so lacking of breath
The cure for a soul washed up upon the shore
The drownéd man resuscitator.
How does it work? I hear you cry
Come show me a guinea and you'll get my reply
Bend over, Sir, there's a penny on the floor
The drownéd man resuscitator.
Ai - Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - ee - Ai
Ai - Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - ee - O
Ai - Ai - ee - Ai - Ai - Ai - ee Ai - ee - Or
The drownéd man resuscitator.
THE
TOPLESS TWINS OF ALLHALLOWS-ON-SEA
Why?
Because,
looming out the gloom - the
British Pilot function room.
And there the lights were flashing, there the weekend began.
There the dancers go-go'd beyond compare
And their breasts, their breasts, their breasts
Were absolutely bare!
Through
the country lanes at 40 miles an hour, past
the Halfway House and stop for a fag by the water tower.
Check we got our entrance fee, 50p, then carry on our way towards Allhallows-On-Sea.
Why?
Because,
looming out the gloom - the British Pilot function room.
And there the lights were flashing, there the weekend began.
There the dancers go-go'd beyond compare
And their breasts, their breasts, their breasts
Were absolutely bare!
My
head is spinning faster than my wheels are turning.
I'm bursting out me Sta-Prest, every bump is a physical yearning.
Scuffing
up our Monkey boots dangerously, screeching round the bends towards
Allhallows-On-Sea.
Why?
Because,
looming out the gloom - the British Pilot function room.
And there the lights were flashing, there the weekend began.
There the dancers go-go'd beyond compare
And their breasts, their breasts, their breasts
Were absolutely bare!
The topless twins of
Allhallows-on-Sea
Why don't you ever look directly at me?
Though you are prob'ly 18 and I am just a kid.
I 'm gonna be a pop star. You'll
wish you bloody did!
And there the lights were flashing, there the weekend began.
There the dancers go-go'd beyond compare
And their breasts, their breasts, their breasts
Were absolutely bare!
As an atheist
I shouldn't ask this question:
Why Lord?
Why Lord,
Is it so hard to remember
To be kind?
Why is it so hard?
As a non-believer
I couldn't care less, but
Why Lord?
Why Lord
Is it so easy, so damn easy
To be bad?
Why's it such a doddle?
I have renounced you
So shut your ears.
Why Lord?
Why Lord
Does it take such little effort
To lie and hurt?
No imagination
To skin your lover alive?
Why Lord?
Why Lord,
Is it so hard to remember
To be kind?
Why is it so hard?
TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN GROWING OLDER
As you take off your clothes
At the end of another weary day
You look better to my eyes than ever.
And sometimes you need some reassurance,
Well, rest assured you'll be as sexy as hell forever.
Through the heartbreaks
And lies
I still see
You're dreaming,
Still dreaming.
As you take off your make up
And become shy again like a child
Worrying over things that have flown
I must remember that for all your experience
You can feel frightened and vulnerable and alone.
Oh, I see the madness
And the wine
And the partings
And the brine
And the children
...The children
ARFUR
You're a bloody disgrace,
I spit in your face,
I piss on all you've done.
You'll never succeed at anything,
You're no good to anyone.
You squandered your life,
You wrestled your wife,
You buggered your only son
And the world will dance a merry jig
When, at last, you're dead and gone.
CHORUS
You shut your mouth, You shut your mouth,
You festering faggot, you fool.
You shut your mouth, you shut your mouth,
You might learn something.
You shut your mouth, you shut your mouth,
You gibbering, gormless ghoul.
You big-headed bugger,
You bald, bony bastard,
You boggle-eyed bigot, you bum,
You shut your mouth!
BROD
You slippery devil
Your head’s full of piddle
Your cock is in a sling
You’re
a rotten, long-haired layabout
And you cannot even sing.
You slept with your dog
And you smell like a bog
And
will I never be free?
The world will dance a merry jig
When you’re swinging from a tree
CHORUS
BROD
And still you smile
And all the while
You
haven’t got a clue
Good people of the medway towns
Are
coming after you
It’s a terrible shame
But you’re not to blame
Your lobotomy never healed
We’ll have to cut you up
And kick your bladder round a field
ARFUR
You diminutive twat
Your manners are crap,
You've a brain, I've never denied;
When you move around
I can hear the sound as it rattles about inside.
When you walk down the street,
The children you meet
All turn on their heels and run,
Crying - Mother, I've seen the Elephant Man
And look out, cos here he comes.
CHORUSES
You shut your bloody mouth, you shut your mouth!